The Urban Farmhouse Saskatoon: Toy Talk

Read this article and then we'll talk. (link to blog here)

Why I Took My Kids' Toys Away (And Why They Won't Get Them Back)

If you follow Project Simplify 365, you already know that I’ve been on a mission this year to simplify my family’s life and rid ourselves of excess. Over the course of this past year I have probably given away about 75 percent of their toys, keeping only the items that I felt encouraged their imagination and that they actually played with. I thought I was doing pretty good.

Even so, there were warning signs that my kids still had too much stuff. In June, we took a field trip to Reptile World in Orlando. Afterwards we decided it would be fun to take the girls to dinner at a dinosaur-themed restaurant called T-Rex in Downtown Disney. While we were waiting to be seated Princess spotted the Build-a-Dino Workshop in the gift shop and although we immediately said “no way,” from that moment on she could think of nothing else.

All through our delicious dinner, surrounded by dramatic (fake) meteor showers and animatronic dinosaurs, she fixated on the one thing she couldn’t have rather than the cool sights we were actually experiencing.

On the three hour drive home, Husband and I–seriously concerned by our daughter’s inability to enjoy the moment–made a point to talk about all the neat stuff we had seen, what our favorite reptiles were, and how funny Trouble had been holding the snake. By the time we made it home the Build-a-Dino had been forgotten. At least by her. But we were worried.

The Breaking Point

In the weeks that followed, Husband and I talked a lot about how we were going to handle this lack of contentment we were noticing in our eldest daughter. Then one morning near the end of July, after telling my kids to clean their room for the umpteenth time, I made the somewhat impulsive–albeit pre-warned–decision to take away ALL their stuff.

Just 2 days earlier I had spent half the day cleaning their room & re-organizing their toys and closet, which is something I do fairly regularly. I wasn’t asking them to clean some giant out-of-control mess, just to pick up a few items off the floor and put them away in the very clearly labeled baskets. Every time I came back to check on them, they had not only NOT picked up, they had made an even bigger mess.

I finally gave up and took it all away. I wasn’t angry, just fed up. I calmly began packing up not just a toy or two, but every single thing. All their dress-up clothes, baby dolls, Polly Pockets, & stuffed animals, all their Barbies, building blocks, and toy trains, right down to the the furniture from their dollhouse and play food from their kitchen. I even took the pretty Pottery Barn Kids comforter from their bed. The girls watched me in stunned silence for a few minutes and then, when the shock wore off, they helped. And just like that, their room was clear.

Paradigm Shift

I had no idea what a dramatic difference this one semi-impulsive decision would make in all our lives. I first started noticing a real change about 4 weeks later when we took a family trip to Key West.

In contrast to our last outing and for the first time ever, neither girl asked us to buy a single thing the entire weekend. Not a toy, not a cheesy souvenir, not a light-up necklace from a passing street vender. Nothing. We passed hundreds of shops and they loved looking in the window, but they were content just to be. What was most amazing to me was that we didn’t talk to them about it ahead of time. Not once did we have to tell them not to ask, or explain that being together was what mattered.
Had I not experienced it with my own eyes, I would’ve never believed that an addiction to stuff could be broken that quickly. The truth is that when I took all their stuff away, I was terrified at what would happen. I worried that I was scarring them for life, depriving them of some essential developmental need, taking away their ability to self-entertain.

In reality, the opposite has happened. Instead of being bored, they seem to have no shortage of things to do. Their attention span is much longer and they are able to mindfully focus on their task at hand. They color or read for hours at a time and happily spend the entire afternoon playing hide & seek or pretend.

They are far more content, able to appreciate the blessings that they do have, and able to truly enjoy the moment they are in without always having to move on to the next thing. They are more creative and patient, more willing to share, far more empathetic towards the plight of others, and, with little to fight over, they hardly fight at all.

When I do take down a toy for them to play with (no, I didn’t throw everything away), such as their Lego blocks or dress-up clothes or or their kitchen food & dishes, that one thing will entertain them for the entire day. (The rest has more or less been forgotten and will soon make it’s way from the attic to the Goodwill pile.)

What I love even more is that they are able to recognize excess on their own. Aside from a favorite stuffed animal and the comforter on their bed, (which they both earned back), neither of them actually want their toys back on a permanent basis. They like not being overwhelmed by stuff and not having to spend so much time cleaning their room. In fact, later that very same day, as we drove to gymnastics class, Princess said it’s okay that we don’t have any more toys Mommy. We can just read and use our imaginations. And now we won’t have to clean up every day. She understood before I did that more stuff doesn’t make us happier.

No turning back

When I first became a mom I was so happy to have a chance to start over, to undo through my children all the wrong that was done to me, to give them everything I felt I had missed out on. I wanted our lives to be perfect, and my vision of perfection included a perfectly decorated bedroom filled with beautiful things, a life where they would want for nothing.

I equated giving them stuff with making them happy, a message that our consumer driven culture hammers into our psyches from the time we our born. Oh, what a lie!

I started this blog because I am a shopaholic, and there are so many times where I buy things when I am bored or unhappy, just to fill the void. My husband laughs at me (and sometimes throws up his hand in frustration) because although I talk a good game about wanting to downsize and get rid of stuff, in reality there are still many times where I just can’t help myself from buying more.

I justify it, telling myself it was on sale or a really good deal, or something we really needed, or that I deserve it because I work so hard. In reality it is just another thing I am trying to buy to solve a problem that runs much deeper.

Stuff isn’t evil in and of itself, but in a world where we are constantly told that what we have isn’t quite good enough, the love of things can so very easily consume us. It is the pursuit of it all–more toys, cuter clothes, a prettier house, a nicer car, a bigger computer, a fancier phone–that makes us forget all the things that actually matter.

It wasn’t until after observing first hand the real and immediate changes in my children after taking their toys away that I truly began to understand. And now instead of me teaching them, they have taught me the lesson I wish I would’ve have learned a long time ago.

For our family, there’s no turning back.

Kudos to this mom for taking a major leap of faith in her parenting/child rearing method! And bigger kudos for being honest, sharing her experience with the world and pushing all of the criticism and negativity aside. We, as parents, need to do what's right for our children/family and not worry about what society thinks.

So my first question is how did you feel when you just read the title? Sounds harsh, right? It intrigued me to read it because I knew there was more to it.

And then how did you feel after you read the article? I actually really love her concept. I don't feel it's cruel, heartless or bad parenting. I feel that she did what she needed to do for the sake of her family and her children. There is a real struggle when it comes to toys; too many toys, toys not appropriate for the right age group, toys that take away imagination and toys that simply have no value at all. I don't like it when every time your kid sees grandparents, aunties, uncles, etc., they need to have a new toy from them. I don't like it when every time a parent enters a store with their child, they feel the need to buy them something and if they don't, they feel they have to avoid the toy area at all cost. I don't like it when I'm in a store and see an obvious parent/child battle going on. The kid wants a toy, the parent says no, the child throws a fit and the parent gives in. Clearly, there is a problem.

Too many toys! I could not live in a house like this!!

Honestly, I don't know how to solve or prevent these problems because of the age of our daughter. But, I can tell you this. If anyone in our life buys her a toy each and every time we see them, then they will be kindly asked to not do it. Maybe save them up for her birthday or Christmas, but not each and every time. It doesn't mean they can never buy her anything just because they want to. That's not it at all. Grandparents, aunties & uncles, etc. should be able to have the privilege of buying fun things, but not at the cost of your child's up-bringing. We visit the toy section in a store just to look and play. Brielle watches and sometimes we allow her to touch or hold the toy and then put it back on the shelf. I think maybe if we do this and don't make a big deal about it, she will hopefully not have a fit in an isle when she's a bit older, simply because of the small steps we are taking when she's younger. And rarely ever do we actually buy her a toy. We are not "toy" people. Our house is small and we don't want it to look like we live in a child's playhouse.

Now this I could handle. Each container could easily be taken out for play and then put back before another is removed.

It's nice that Rhonda & I are on the same page when it comes to our toy beliefs. We know that there's such a thing as too many toys. Brielle has a basket of toys on each floor of our house. In the basement she also has two push/music/riding type toys, a train, a barn and a container of animals. 95% of the toys she has are second hand toys. The rest have basically been gifts. And, she doesn't get her toys all at once. She's allowed to play with whatever is in the basket. Those are her all-the-time toys. The rest are put away and we bring them out only every once in a while.

I like the thought of kids not being able to have all the toys at once. Really, how often do they play with everything? Not as often as they dump everything out to simply make a mess. So really, there is no need for it. I find that the more toys Brielle has, the more distracted she becomes. If she only has one or two at a time, her focus is much better and she will actually play with the toys. When I had the daycare, I grouped the toys in different containers and the kids were allowed to choose which container of toys they wanted to play with. Then when they were done, those toys were put away before more came out. It seemed to work well, there was less fighting over toys and they seemed to really enjoy what they were playing with. So the plan for us is to carry that same method over as Brielle grows and matures. It really works.

Brielle will never be allowed to have this many toys. I'd rather donate them to charity or sell them and put the money into her bank account. There is no need for this many toys if you have 1 kid or 10 kids.

We also don't allow her to watch TV. It surprises me the number of people who ask what her favorite show is. She's 10 months old and I don't feel that she needs to be watching TV. We spend most of our time on the main floor of our house and there is no TV. The one TV we do have is in our basement. My craft area is down there so when we spend time downstairs during the day, the TV is on the music channel, so we are only listening and not actually watching. In turn, Brielle loves music. On the main floor, music is playing almost non-stop. I'd rather her love music much more than love TV. To me, there is more value in music than in watching TV. We plan on not having a TV on the main floor so I doubt TV will be an issue we'll have to battle with Brielle, as long as we keep on the track we're on.

Ahhhhh....look at the beautiful organization and simplicity. The cluttered, toy filled pictures make my mind go crazy. This makes me feel calm inside. Want calmer kids and home, get rid of the clutter. It is so freeing.

It's not to say that she's never watched TV, because she has. She's been there when we've watched a TV show or movie in the evenings or on a weekend, but she's never, ever sat through an entire show and actually watched. She does love Ellen (I record it and sometimes watch it when I have time during the day) and knows the theme song. She'll stop what she's doing to look up at the TV and clap, but then goes back to doing whatever it is she was doing. The music in most shows catches her attention; like American Idol. And that leads back to music.

We would love for Brielle to become a book-lover, but that hasn't happened yet. She really isn't a fan of having a book read to her, but we'll keep persisting. As she grows and matures a bit, I know she'll find her love for it. It's like anything else you want your child to have an interest in. Just doing it from a young age, and not giving up, usually gets you where you want them to be. I'd rather her sit and read a book, than watch TV and movies. Hands down, a much better choice in childhood, imagination and learning.