Step Away From That Child

When we first moved to Saskatoon and I did childcare out of my house, I took in two brothers. The oldest had his definite issues but the youngest, who was just over  a year old, was my most challenging of the two. It makes my skin crawl to have kids (young or old) tugging at your leg, whining, screaming and carrying on until they are picked up. Always has been a pet peeve of mine and always will be, so when I see parents allowing this to go on with their kids, it kind of strikes a nerve. Okay, well more than kind of. So in a typical day I would be cooking lunch for everyone and he would want me to carry him. Not possible, not necessary and thus the fight began. In a short period of time he would get to throwing himself backwards onto the floor, screaming, pulling at my leg and eventually attempt to puke because he wasn't getting his way. This could carry on for a full hour to an hour and a half, to the point where he would refuse to eat, would claw at anyone he could get to, slap, kick and even try to destroy whatever was in his reach. After numerous talks with his mom, she said she absolutely just picks him up and it's not an issue for her. What he wants, he gets. End of story. They didn't stay long until moving on to another caregiver. I just couldn't handle it.

This case is pretty extreme, I know. Most kids that I know simply whine and cry until they are picked up. I know that parents of these kids would say it's the way their child is so they have to accommodate them to make them quiet. I believe that whiners, screamers and kids who need to be carried all the time are not born. They are made this way by their parents. Scooping them up every time they demand it is only enabling the behavior and they get the attention they are asking for. But is it good attention? Absolutely not. And before long the whining and screaming becomes greater, happens more often because that's how they've learned to get attention and is out of control.

At around 10 or 11 months Brielle went through a short phase of whining and tugging at our leg to get picked up. We quickly nipped it in the bud and it never really became an issue for us. Don't get me wrong, we hold her. A lot. But we choose our timing wisely and make holding and carrying her an experience that she enjoys yet doesn't have to demand. She's not carried around the house just because she expects to be carried. In fact, we've taught her that if mommies are cooking in the kitchen, we don't want for her to be in the way and to get stepped on, so she has to play in the dining or living area when we ask her to. Not an unrealistic thing to ask. Kitchens aren't safe for babies/kids and they are capable of learning. In the beginning she cried when we'd remove her and tell her that she had to go play with her toys, but now she knows that it's only temporary and that mommies mean what they say. Consistency is key.

Screaming and whining is not acceptable communication in our home. Screaming in our home gets you a little time on your own to calm down and decide if you are ready to join the family calmly and in a more appropriate manner. We will put Brielle in her crib to calm down if we need to, go in as soon as she's quiet and see if she's ready to join us. If not, she will scream again. If so, she will show us her happy face and she can join the family again. Thankfully this doesn't happen often but we do need for her to know that she will get some time alone to calm down and that we won't accept the behavior.

Baby sign language has been a blessing for us. We introduced it at 4 months and we feel that Brielle can communicate with us much better, which means she's less frustrated, which therefore means she's pretty happy all of the time. Toddler hood can be frustrating since she's doing more now, but we still feel that if we continue the lines of communication with her, we'll be able to get through this age group until she's talking. For those with kids who are old enough to talk and are still whining and crying to communicate, there is no excuse for this behavior. Well, it won't be an excuse in our household. Ever.

So if I were to politely make some suggestions to the parents who have whining, crying, leg-tugging children and pick them up every half a second, here are my first suggestions...
1. PUT THAT KID DOWN.
2. Start communicating with them by telling them you don't understand whining so please say what they want. In their mind, why should they ask for what they want when whining and crying gets them what they want?
3. If the whining and crying continues, ask them what's wrong, tell them you understand they are upset/tired/hungry but that you are busy/not able to carry them and instead would they like to help you/play with toys/engage in another activity and move forward with it.
4.  Continue working on a solution to this problem. You can't carry your child forever, people are tired of listening to the whining and crying just as much (or more) than you are and it's in your child's best interest to not be so attached to your hip.
5. Ignore the bad behavior and focus on praising them for the good behavior. In no time they will realize the more well behaved they are, the happier you will be and the whining and crying should go away. But remember, consistency is key.

It won't be easy but isn't that what good parenting is all about?